I know what I should be doing, why am I not doing it?
Part 3: The Negative Self-Talk Trap

Most of us have struggled with procrastination at some point in our lives. And the social construct, for the most part, is that procrastination means a person is “just lazy.” In reality though, it’s much more complicated than that.

As a therapist and coach I have yet to meet a person that is simply “just lazy.” Instead, I talk to people that work hard every day at whatever they are doing, whether that’s running a company or trying to get to the shower and out of bed. You heard me right, a person struggling with depression, for example, is working just as hard.
But what we’re actually able to achieve in a day mostly depends on the stories that we tell ourselves in the background.

What do I mean by this? If I have learned – mostly through childhood, but that’s a big subject in itself, too big for today – that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, then that message prohibits me from ever starting, because if I’m truly convinced that I’m not smart enough, then doing “the thing” will only prove again that I’m not smart enough. So our system protects us from that heartbreak by preventing us from ever starting.

These messages are not just thoughts that we learned yesterday, like “the neighbor got a new dog”, they are fundamental ways we see the world. We learn them early on and because we’re kids, the brain takes them in as facts such as “water is wet.” World-building facts. So simply “just think something different then”, generally doesn’t work either, our entire system has to come along for the ride.

These messages generally fall into these main categories:
RESPONSIBILITY: example: I am not good enough
SAFETY: example: I am not safe
CONTROL: example: I am not in control

People will tell you that there is only one method that will get rid of these messages, their method, of course, but honestly, these days are many ways that get you there. Read up on the different methods and start with the one that you feel suits you best.

Note: Not all negative messages move by themselves, many will need extra help. Therapy and/or coaching are great ways to process them. If you’re interested in coaching and working through your self-limiting beliefs, let’s talk!

And since you’re here and have gotten this far, I’ll add one method that I like (and use myself) for messages that are not as persistent as others.

Let’s talk about actual next steps: 

Step 1 – Observing

For the next week, start paying attention to the negative messages you tend to tell yourself. Remember, things like “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not safe”, “I’m not in control” are great places to start. For now, simply pick one of these messages that you notice and keep track when it shows up for you. Sometimes it may show up as a full sentence, but at other times it may simply show up as a feeling in your body. Notice it all, note it down.

Step 2 – Checking In and Finding Evidence

Since these messages run on autopilot, now’s the time to check in and see if they are actually true. Is your system telling you you’re not smart but you’ve been doing well in your job? Is your system telling you you’re not in control but there’s evidence that you’ve made decisions on things?

Look for evidence that counters your negative belief. Small things that are proof that the negative belief can’t possibly be right all the time. Build your case over time.

Step 3 – Re-evaluating

Once you have a solid list of proof against your negative belief, it’s time to start shifting things toward the positive belief. It’ll feel awkward at first and that’s ok. Your system has been holding onto the other one for years, so just picking up the new, opposite one will take practice. So. Let’s practice!

If your belief is “I’m not smart”, shift it to “I am smart because” and list out the things you have as proof.
Remember, just sitting and thinking won’t do it, you’ll have to get your body involved to make it stick. So say these things while walking, while showering, while doing yoga, dancing, anything. Just move. Write the sentences by hand. Move the proof into your body. Do it over and over and you’ll create a new pattern. going!